It was my every intention to discontinue this blog after the Chicago Marathon. I did discontinue, only to be told by various friends and acquaintances to keep my blog for as long as I run. This, I thought, is a huge commitment. I am not one these days to make huge commitments, let alone new commitments, but one friend made a persuasive point with me. She said that I run for myself and that I should blog for others because others will vicariously benefit from experiencing my personal growth via the blog. She said that I might motivate one person to move from the couch to the trail. She said that I might bring light to others. My response was that I search for the light myself and when I find it there is no way to cover the light rays and so whether I blog my runs or not, the light rays will expand, regardless. She said, "shut up and write."
It has been over a month since the Chicago Marathon and I have logged approximately 200 miles on the path since then. I would like to do another marathon soon, in an effort to get myself over the trauma of the Chicago Marathon experience. My thinking was that I should get out there as soon as possible and shake off the dust and move forward, because surely not all marathons involve hundreds down, helicopters, first responders, stretchers, overflowing aid tents, and police officers with bull horns. I needed to move on.
Problem is, I no longer feel that need to move on. Indeed, I have enjoyed the running this month which does not involve strict guidance. If I want to run 20 miles, I will. If I have time to run only 5 miles, I will, without feeling a nagging guilt that I must make up the miles. If I choose to run 20 miles two days in a row, I will (running advice, be damned). Speed work is done when I am up to the task, and not every Thursday.
Not training for a marathon takes the structure out of running for me. I don't know whether that is good or bad. Structure is important for me to improve as a runner. Structure involves discipline and good results. Free form running, on the other hand, requires no discipline and results are irrelevant. Either way, my mind still wanders when I run. I get the benefit of thinking and of problem solving in my head whether I am meeting a running goal or whether I am running just for the sake of running.
As I see it, I have spent 43-years alive. The first 6-years consisted of growing to a point where I could at least climb up on the counter and get my own food out of the cabinet when no one else would. The next 6-years consisted of figuring out how to go out there and get my own food for the cabinet. At age 11, I had 3 paper routes at once. Those were the days when the paper girl or boy rode a bike with horns on the handle bar to strap on the paper bag. I "collected" once per week--made good money for an 11-year-old. By age 13 I had a real job working at a clothing store where I was relegated to the sidewalk sale. I sat outside all day on hot summer days when my friends went to the pool and rode their bikes.
Not complaining. It built character. For the next 15-years I achieved in academics, attending college on a scholarship, graduating with double majors in English and philosophy, and then on to law school, where I had to be Editor-in-Chief of my law review, and I had to travel to China to study Chinese law, and I had to over-achieve where ever I could.
The past 15-years have been spent as a lawyer, earning the best living possible, and trying to win whenever possible. Once again, not complaining. This was all very good life formation for the inevitable, but I guess the point is that I no longer feel that need to achieve. This applies in life and in running.
Instead, I want to be. That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Just be.
I suppose at age 43 I should be at the peak of my career and I should be pushing to win at every angle. Funny thing is that I feel more like a winner now than ever before. I just do not have to measure my progress. I will continue to search for another marathon to run, and that may be next month or next year, or never. It doesn't matter.
So it goes that when I run, at least for now, I will measure my results by the beat of my soul, rather than by the beat of my heart, and by the steps not taken as much as by the steps taken. When inspired, I will share my experience in word-to-page, not for others so much as for myself, because word-to-page, at least for me, is the "full" in "full circle."
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