Climbing & Falling

The run a few days ago was completed at nightfall. It began at dusk. I ran north for 4 miles and then south for 4 miles. The night sky cleared as my path was shone by The Big Dipper. Lined by naked trees which presented only tall and stretched silhouettes, the path offered me as its solitary prayer. And my soul rose up.

The night sky reflected a jet which, from my vantage point, was either climbing or falling. I could not tell whether the jet was leaving vapor on its way up, or consuming vapor on its way downward. The jet was my focus for a mile. It became my fixation during the run which led me away from myself and my pain.

Sometimes, like the jet, it is impossible to tell whether we are climbing or falling---whether we are creating vapor in our wake, or consuming it during our free-falls.

A couple of days ago I presented in a court where I had been absent for 3 years. The bailiff asked me how I lost all of my weight. I told him I ran it off. He asked me whether I was running to something or away from something. My response was that the jury was still out on that issue.

A perfect storm brews in my life which has been on the horizon since March 10, 2005, when I knelt on the cold floor of an execution chamber before the dead body of my client. I arose from my knees an altered person. Now, 95-pounds and 10 sizes later, the internal transformation has externalized.

Good things are accompanied by the bad. I learned on January 21st that I require a new right hip. The internal bleeding in my right thigh which caused the hematomas caused a check of my hip joint, which has been a source of much pain while sitting recently. I have been told that I have femoroacetabular impingement or FAI, which has torn my labrum. The doctor says that a deformity in my ball joint pinches the labrum and causes pain when I sit.

Running feels better. Due to my blood clotting and bleeding, I must wait to do a replacement until I start to "walk with a gimp", as the hip surgeon said. Until then I will accept hip injections and bide my time.

I could not cry or even feel the surgeon's words for reasons I cannot say on this forum.

What I can say is that I have lived and truly loved, prayed and cursed, given and taken, accepted and denied. I have lied while also I have buried myself in truth. I have been worthy and unworthy, redeemed and depraved. I have protected and assaulted, destroyed and created. I have laid myself down in green pastures and I have fought on the ridge.

Today I ran as best I could. The hip pain is bad. The surgeon told me to run if I desired because this FAI is not a running injury. I will not complain, but I will instead give thanks for the pain. I am alive to feel the pain in my hip and in my life.

The pain will pass, and I will rise to meet myself on the path. Where I am, I will be.

It is no longer important to me to know whether I am climbing or falling, running to or running from.

I am the marble inside of the block, partially carved. A runner inside.